What a difference a year makes!

A year is 12 months or 365 days or 8,760 hours or 525,600 minutes or31,536,000 seconds.  No matter hour you slice it, it is a long time and there are timess that this year has seemed like so much longer.  Then there are those days that I can't believe it has been a year.

I survived all the first without John. The first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, everyone had another birthday, and my first wedding anniversary (by far the hardest) without him.  There are so many firsts that have been survived and when I think of that I have mixed feelings.  Part of me is sad.  Part of me is angry.  But mostly I am lonely...lonely for John.....missing John.  The idea that I can survive without him is so bittersweet.  I am glad that the kids and I have made it this far and have not lost it all.  It is comforting to know we can do it.  But mainly I am sad that we all got a year older, except for him and that he missed all those milestones.  I am sad that he has not been there to spend time with the kids, teach the kids, talk to us, hug us, laugh with us, in general, make memories.

I have worried about this year mark for the last 6 weeks.  I have cried and cried and worried what this day will bring.  It may be a good thing that I have had such a hard time these last few weeks because hopefully I can be strong for the kids and mark this day and honor John on this date.  I don't know what this day will bring, but I hope that I can stay strong and make John proud.

Triggers

Emotional triggers. They are the weirdest things and have horrible timing.  Triggers can be set off by anything and when you least expect it.  IT could be a smell, a sound, a song, a phrase, a picture or a date! That is what it was for me today. I was was getting my hair cut and colored today no biggie right? Well everything was going well until it was time to set my next appointment.  I told them I wanted to come back in 6 weeks. (Unfortunately I have so much grey hair that 4 weeks would be better but too expensive!) That was a Wed and unfortunately my hairdresser was off.  I am also off Fridays so I asked for that day.  Then I look at the calender and there it is.....Oct 8! October 8th is the day when my life changed forever.  My mind starts reeling and trying to figure out...do I make the appointment for then or what? What am I going to do that day?  Am I going to be able to get out of bed? Wow, it is only 6 weeks away.  A year all ready!?! Thoughts coming all at once and having no answers.  I thought that was it but then I had to run an errand and I just was in a bad mood and a little short and of course a little weepy!  Trying not to think about it but at the same time living it. So I eventually got over the emotional response to the trigger but it is always in the back of my mind.

I started a new job yesterday and met some really nice people.  Of course there was small talk and telling of kids ages etc..  Then the inevitable question......"What does your husband do for a living?"(I do have 4 kids so most people would assume I have a husband right?)  And my answer...."Actually my husband passed away 10 months ago".  Then their look of shock, a little stammering and apologies.  And my...."No need to apologize" all the while thinking how can I make them feel more comfortable and change the topic.  All the time feeling like a pity case. YUCK! I am starting to hate meeting new people.  Having to go through the introductions.  I almost feel like I should have a written Bio that I give out or have someone read aloud that explains everything before I meet people.  Or maybe a sign or symbol I wear that everyone knows what it means.  Kind of like the scarlet letter.  Maybe a black W arm band with marks the show the years it has been.  That way it is all on the table and no worries that things might get awkward! Until that is acceptable I will keep keeping on and try to survive the next 6 weeks!

I love my kids

I was thinking the other day that lately I have focused on the things that my kids do that drive me crazy and not on the things I love and enjoy about them.  So here it goes.....

The things I love about Tommy:

• He is crazy smart
• He thinks if questions that I never would have at his age
• He has a great smile
• He takes care of Miles really well and loves to be his big brother
• He loves Legos and Star Wars and lets everyone know
• He has a great smile
• He is a good older brother and a good help to his Mom

Things I love about Sheridan:

• She can light things up when she smiles
• She has beautiful blue eyes that can pierce you
• When she cleans she works really hard
• She likes to organize her stuff
• She is has a silly laugh
• She likes to read to her little sister and brother
• She is starting to like fashion and shopping
• She has no idea how smart or beautiful she is

Things I love about Rita:

• She has a contagious laugh and smile
• She can make me laugh no matter what
• She is spunky
• She looks up to her big sister
• She likes to be Mommy's helper
• She loves to be the center of attention
• She loves to sing

Things I love about Miles:

• He makes me smile
• He loves his Mommy
• He loves his brother and his sisters
• He is fearless in the swimming pool
• He loves to play with the dogs and is so independent with them
• He is crazy strong and soooo cute
• He is very smart and is obedient to his Mommy
• He reminds me of his Daddy

So not that that is everything I love about them but the things that stick out about each of them.  I am very grateful for my children.  I am grateful I have pieces of John and I can see him in them.  It has been a challenge to figure out how I am going to get through losing John and I know it is difficult for them as well.  I struggle with figuring out our new "normal" and what that should be.  I was told by someone in grief counseling that it takes 18-24 months to figure out the new normal and I can see that.  It has been 10 1/2 months since John died and I have figured out some but there is still so much more for us to figure out.  (When I typed 10 1/2 months I realized that is how old Miles was when John died. Weird that he is reaching more of his life without John than with him.  I know he will not remember him, but that thought still makes me sad.)  We struggle daily and I realize that how I deal with things directly reflects on how my children look and handle things.  It makes me continue to try and not give up!

I hate being a single mom!

There are few things that I can say I truly hate, but being a single mom is one of those few things!  However women get to be a single mom I don' think it is ever easy.  Even with the help of friends and family (which are wonderful to help and ever appreciated) it is never the same as having someone to co-parent in the home.  The idea that some women actually choose to be a single mom baffles me.  Maybe they don't know how hard it really is.  The idea that you are it!  The idea that you can't say," Wait until your father comes home!".  That there is no break in the day.  That you can't decide to go on a quick walk by yourself and feel comfortable leaving your kids alone at home. That you can't just run  to the store.  Having to figure out how to get kids all to school at different times and still get to work on time.  Having to arrange help to get open houses covered for kids with conflicting schedule. Having to handle all the discipline and figure out what to do with each child.  Having no back-up when the kids are fighting that discipline ou decided on.  Having no one to talk to at the end of the day, about the day. Having no one that is as completely invested in your children as you to understand the challenges with raising them and love them through it! And those are just a few of the things.

So to those women that choose it...more power to you.  As for me I think it is for the birds.  For whatever reason it has chosen me and I will do my best to rise above it, but I really really hate it!

Ready to be happy again....

Have you ever looked at a picture and remembered the day and thought....I was really happy then. Then thought....I sure wish I could be really happy now. I think I have done the first a lot but usually not the second. I am usually (in my life) very happy, but these days I don't think I can say that. Sure I have happy moments. There are times when I laugh, there are moments with my kids that I enjoy, but really being happy or maybe feeling joy has been lacking for quite awhile. Probably about a year when John got really sick. (FYI the year mark in less than 2 months! :(. ) I look at the picture that the kids and I took in May 2009 (see picture on Jacqui's Bunch blog) and look at my expression and say, "I sure was happy." Yes, John was sick and there were definitely trials, but I had my family and I really really thought he was going to be healed.

I remember that day. We were in Harlingen and I decided to get a picture of me and the kids taken for John for Father's Day. The plan was for him to have them to put on his desk when he got better. I had wanted it to be a surprise and my parents were visiting so my mom was going to go with me and the kids to help. I think John was trying to figure out why we were getting dressed up and going to McAllen, so I ended up telling him. He decided to go with us. I tried to get him to be in the pictures but he was not feeling well. Oh how I regret that! Now, I am sure there were issues that day but I really only remember the good. We got the pictures taken and the kids did well for the most part. There were times Miles did not cooperate but he was only 6 months old, plus I had him take some pictures by himself for his 6 month pictures. I remember going to McDonald's afterward and hanging out with the kids. I remember John sitting in the back of the van with the kids and having tickling wars. That was nice because he had been feeling so bad he was not always able to joke around. I was happy. It was a good day.

Then I remember something else that kind of haunts me at times. I am not sure if haunts is the right word but that is the best way I can describe it. A few days later I went to get picture frames. Remember I was planning on John going back to work, so I had to get frames for his desk. I got all the pictures ready and we framed a large 10x13 picture of me and the kids. I hung it on the wall and had a weird feeling. There was my family without John. Me and the kids alone. It did not feel right but at the same time it felt real. So, I often look at that picture and long to feel that way again. But I think what I am really longing for is for one more person to be in that picture. For John to be there represented as the head of our family. For John to be here leading our family.

So, I go on with life laughing and enjoying the good times as they come, but still longing to be happy. Part of me is not sure if it is possible but part of me knows it is possible. I just am not sure how or how long. I often hear the same Sunday School answers about prayer and turning to Heavenly Father. And I don't want to minimize those at all, I do believe them. But I also feel that those things are easy answers to say, but that it is not an easy fix. It does not happen overnight. It apparently does not happen over 10 months either. So, I keep doing what I do and hope and pray that I can get through this challenge and still be able to be the happy person I once was.

Emotions, Emotions, Emotions.....

Emotions are a weird thing. These days I never know what I am going to feel. I have been doing pretty good, or so I thought! I think I have just been going through the motions and not dealing with things. "Not dealing with things" may not be the right words, but sometimes it still seems like I am living someone else's life or it is all a dream. Or that John is on a long business trip (not that he ever took those!) or at work. I also have not been crying much lately. You might think that is good, but I am not so sure. I think I just repress everything and don't let it out until it can't stay in any more. Does not sound very healthy huh? At times when I try and figure out what I am "feeling" or "thinking" I get sucked back to right after John died when I said I feel like my thoughts are like a pinball bouncing around in my head. No one really understood that and many people looked at me weird when I said it, but it was the best way I could describe it. I just don't know what to think at times. Sometimes I feel like I have just been stuck for the past 10 months.

I was just looking at the Caringbridge website and reading some of my entries. It was weird because I usually just wrote the entries and never read them. I just let my thoughts and feeling flow. I was reading the entry a few days before John died and the day it happened. When I read what I wrote I feel like I was so much stronger then. Like I was able to accept it more than I am now. That I was able to see Heavenly Father's will and accept it so much more than I am now. I keep going through the why, why, why? I keep wanting answers even though I apparently was able to accept the will before I am just stuck now. Part of me is thinking that maybe I was stronger before because of all the prayers that people were saying. Not that there aren't some now, but I know there were many more at the time. Maybe it was because I could see John's pain and wanted him to not hurt anymore. But I don't want the sick John, I want the healthy John. (Not that I would not take him back sick, but I think you know what I mean) But that is my will right? I could list all the things that I want to be different, but that is not my reality. Sometimes life just sucks!

I took Rita to a counseling session at the Children's Bereavement Center and while she was there I sat with one of the interns and talked. She was also LDS so that was nice. It is not necessary, but there is so much just in Mormon culture that it is nice not to have to explain it or explain my beliefs. In talking to here I cried a lot and my thoughts were all over the place. It was good and I think she made me realize something......I think I want too many shows like Ghost Whisperer. Weird I know, but let me explain. I think I get stuck in wanting to have that "Ghost Whisperer" moment when I feel John touch me, or hear his voice. That would not be too much to ask right? Apparently so. She asked me a question when I mentioned something about wanting to feel him. She said, "Would that be enough?" Hhhm....let me think....no it would not! It would never be enough. Short of me turning back time and changing everything so John would still be alive, it would never be enough! So I need to stop wanting that sign, because if I get it I will just want more. I would not be happy with it. And I can see that in the few things I have been given. I have have the spirit comfort me in a few quiet ways but apparently that was not enough! It should have been but I am still wanting things to be different. See, part of that denial that I was talking about. I thought I had accepted that John was gone, but part of me has not. So I carry on. I keep thinking in my mind "Would it be enough?" and believe it or not it has helped (a little).

While reading the Caringbridge blog I was reminded about a quote from Elder Nelson's book The Gateway We Call Death:

"The only way to take sorrow out of death, is to take love out of life."

Big decisons...I hate making them alone

OK, OK, I know that through prayer and personal revelation Heavenly Father can help me make the decisions so I am not alone understand that, but you know what I mean. I hate making adult decisions at time anyways, but not having John here to talk about it, bounce ideas off of, and get confirmation that we BOTH got the same answer from Heavenly Father stinks!

I have the house in Harlingen for sale and I got an offer on it. Amazing since it has only been on the market for 3 weeks and because I have not gotten the painting done that i thought it needed. Well, it is am offer but it is lower than I wanted. Notice I said wanted not needed! Well, I thought I had priced the house lower than other comparable ones in the area. I knew I would probably have to give a little. No one like to offer asking price, we all want to get a deal! I am grateful for the offer and I have decided to accept it, but I guess with not having John to talk to about it, I just feel a little unsure. Everyone is telling me to take the offer of course, but I just long to talk to John about it. I still remember when we decided to buy the house. When I was packing to move to San Antonio, I came across a list if pros/cons about the house in Harlingen that John and I made when trying to decide if to buy it. It brought back those memories of house hunting and all the plans we had for YEARS and YEARS in that house. Now, 2 1/2 years later John is gone, and I am selling it. It is just hard. I feel a little ungrateful with having a hard time making the decision, because I know it is a blessing to get an viable offer so soon. I have other family members and friends unable to sell their houses, so why am I complaining. I think part of it is about control. I have not been able to control things in my life with John's illness and everything to follow, that I just wish I could plan/ control everything the way I want. There goes that word again....want not need!

So one important adult decision mad by myself down....one million more to go (in a lifetime I would guess?). And here is to focusing on our needs and not our wants!

Trying to learn a few things

So, I started taking the kids to the Children's Bereavement Center here in San Antonio last week. We came in on the tail end of the summer group so the older kids (Tommy and Sheridan) got to attend 2 groups and Rita 1. I am really excited to have them meet some kids that have gone through some similar experiences. The place is amazing and has these different rooms with different toys for different types if play. They do "Play therapy" there and through playing they can help see what the kids need and direct conversations. It is a brand new facility and I am very grateful that it is here. While the kids are in their group the parents/adults meet in a group and talk about various issues. Mainly issues with the kids and how to help the kids move through the grieving process. There are people from various circumstances and types of death and in the fall they split us up more by type of death (suicide, lingering, sudden) but in the summer we are all together. The groups are of course confidential but I have had a few thoughts come from it and some things that people have shared.

One of the thoughts that I have been thinking for awhile is that there is no normal in grieving. What is right for one person may not be right for the other, and we should never judge how someone grieves. There is no timeline that we need to meet and be "done" with the grieving. I especially feel pressure (possibly just put on my myself) that since I have the Gospel in my life and have an understanding of life after death that I should be able to accept this better, or deal with it better. I for sure can not imagine dealing with this without my faith, but I have to keep reminding myself that I am human and with that comes a lot or mistakes. I don't grieve because I think John is gone or ceases to exist. I know his spirit is alive. I grieve because I am separated from him, I miss his physical presense. I grieve that I have 4 kids to raise by myself and the plans I have for my life have changed drastically I found a card that I have to John just before we were married and among other things it says..."I can't imagine my life without you." That is still true, I can't. It is amazing how our minds are and that I know he is gone, but at times it just seems like he is out of town, like he is still here. It has been 9 months and part of me still thinks he is going to come home, but mt head knows differently. It is amazing how the heart and the head can think totally different things!

One of the other thoughts is how much worse it could be. I think sometimes we get into the self pity mode and just feel sorry for ourselves. I have gotten very good at that at times. I can go on in my mind how unfair this is and all the reasons John should be alive. But it could be worse! There are kids that are dealing with suicide of a parent, how horrible that would be for a small child to have to accept. There are kids that have lost both parents. Hopefully that will not happen until I am at least 85 or older! There are people that never knew their father or their fathers left them and did not want to be a part of their lives. It is so easy to focus in the negative, sooooo easy. The challenge is to put into perspective how "lucky" we really are. Granted this does not make it easy when I am having to deal with the 4 kids, the kids are fighting, or the kids have special events. And it is tiring that I am the one that has to always try and focus the kids on the positive when I am not feeling very positive. But I am going to do my best to try because in the grand scheme of things we really are lucky. Let me show you how lucky we are:

• We are lucky to have an eternal family.
• We are lucky that John loved/loves us.
• We are lucky that we have 4 beautiful children and a beautiful family.
• We are lucky that we had a husband/father that wanted to fight as hard as he could to fight cancer and stay here with us on this earth.
• We are lucky that John was able to be here for the time that he had on earth.
• We are lucky that we have John watching out for us and helping us from the other side of the veil.
• We are lucky that I can support the family and that John and I planned for the unexpected.
• We are lucky that we have a Heavenly Father that loves us so much that he gave us a savior, Jesus Christ.
• We are lucky that Jesus (who had a father on the other side of the veil FYI!) suffered for us and that he can take away our pain if we can only turn things over to him (I am still working hard on this).
• We are lucky that we have such an AMAZING FAMILY that loves us and supports us in everything.

Boy, I sure am a lucky person! I just have to keep focusing on that and keep the negative away!

San Antonio or Bust

Well, I made the move back to San Antonio and it has been a little more than a month. I have not sold the house in Harlingen yet so there are still ties there. Things have been going well but there have been some unexpected emotions. There are things that I thought I had dealt with but then they come up to the surface seems like out of nowhere. I think part of it was the fact that I was coming home, but things of course are not the same. When we moved to Harlingen I remember telling John that the house just did not feel like it was ours. Of course after awhile it became our home. I had been so sad to leave our home in San Antonio where we had started our family and brought 3 children home from the hospital. When I left Harlingen and came back to San Antonio I did not have those feelings. It felt like we belonged in the house from day one, and I had no tears leaving the house in Harlingen. I don't know if it was because we were in Harlingen for such a short time or if we just belong here in San Antonio.

As much as the house feels like home it still feels empty without John. It is very evident that he is not here. I packed up his clothes in boxes, just like I did everyone else's, but I will not be unpacking his clothes like I have everyone else's. That makes me sad. It is also more evident that John is gone when I have to go to Home Depot or Lowe's for something and I have to figure it all out by myself. Not that John was handy, but he would at least take on that duty and try and figure it out. I had to go to The Home Depot to get a different power cord for my dryer and when that man was telling me how to change it out and all that I needed to be careful of I had to do my best to not start crying. I started to tear up and I am sure the man was thinking I was crazy, but I was able to hold my composure until I go to the car! Again, emotions that I was not expecting come up when I don't expect it.

But overall things are good. Lucking more ups than downs, and when I have the downs since I am not working I can stay in bed and sleep!

Turning the corner....

It is amazing for me how up and down the emotions can be. Mother’s Day was hard. Sooooo much harder than I even thought. It was by far the worst Mother’s Day I have ever had and I hope to ever have. The kids were not well behaved to say it nicely. From kicking, biting, fighting, hitting and being disrespectful and that was just in the morning before church! Church was hard because again all around families. I love the church but when you don’t fit the mold you can really feel out of place. I know that is also a challenge for other people in church who are single or divorced. I guess widowed has the least “stigma” if that makes sense, but alone in alone.
I went to my sister’s house that evening and had a good dinner, but still was just not happy and just felt sad and emotionally alone. Again, John has always been a part of me being a mother. We went home and I started to not feel well. My 10:30 PM I was in the bathroom (I will not elaborate) and at 3AM I was vomiting. I woke up on the morning and had to get the kids to school of course. I have not felt that bad is a long time. Then to be all alone was horrible!! There was just me…no John…no help. I did not think I could get through the day at work but I had a new employee starting that day and did not want her to be all on her own. I took Miles and Rita to school and got to work around 9AM barely keeping my stomach settled. Every time I drove by a Mexican restaurant that was opened for breakfast I had to turn off the A/C so I would not smell the breakfast tacos! That smell can be so good, but on a bad stomach it is not so good. I didn’t know how I am going to do it. I am near tears, well actually I did cry a little, that is common these days. How was I going to do it? How can I take care of 4 kids and feel so horrible? How can I work and feel so horrible? I miss John! He is not there to help, he is not there to take care of me, he is not there to run to the store and get me crackers, just me! Sad huh? Luckily for me my Mom was in Brownsville with Sandie helping her unpack. I call my mommy and ask if she can pick up the kids and of course the wonderful mother I have agrees. Do I expect anything else? I go to work and tie up some loose ends and get back home around 10:45 AM. I get right into bed and sleep all day. I wake up around 3 PM when my mom gets to my house and then get sick, not pretty, and get back into bed from 4PM to 9PM! My mom picked up the kids and did all the work. Very nice. It was such a help and I was amazed at how much I slept. I was up a few house and then slept all night. I felt so much better on Tuesday, about 90% and was able to get back to the grind.
So the last few days have been pretty good. I am not sure if it was because I needed all that sleep. Maybe I was getting sick for a while but did not recognize it? Maybe all the crying I did this weekend was needed and I needed to purge, so to speak. Whatever it is I will take it, at least for a few days, or however long it lasts. I am crazy busy at work and I am moving in about a month. Plus I have a weeklong vacation to California with the kids and a weekend trip to San Antonio scheduled in that time. I am so not ready for any of it. I try not to think about it and just enjoy feeling pretty good. Hopefully I can stay positive and get through this next month!

Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. A day that should be nice and relaxing and enjoying my family, my whole family. This will be the first time I celebrate being a mother and have no partner to share it with. John was there from the beginning. He was there when I found out I was pregnant with Tommy and there to help me tell my parents the news. He was there for the sonograms when we found out what we were having each time and there to check that all was well. He was there through all the heartburn and emotions. He was there to help satisfy my cravings for whatever I wanted. He was there when I went into labor and through the whole process. He was there when we shared those first moments with our new child and welcomed them into the world. He was there when we brought our children home and took care of their tiny little bodies. He was there when I struggled through nursing, especially the first time, and to encourage me to continue. He was there to change diapers, sometimes. He was there to give them a name and a blessing at church. He was there to give them blessings when they were ill. He was there to help me raise them and make decisions about how to raise them. He was there all along….and now he is not. The aching continues and this Mother’s day is just another day. Like any day without him. They do not seem special or exciting. One bleeds into another. I focus on just getting through the day, doing the basic and surviving, kind of. A day that I should be happy and feel appreciated focusing on all that I have (my kids) and all I can focus on is what I don’t have, John here with me and the kids. This really sucks! Oh how I wish things were different or I could deal with them better.

It has been a long time...

It has been a long time since I have posted anything on either of my blogs. I am not really sure why except that I have “writer’s block”. I have sat down at the computer and written things several times but I have not been able to post the entries for some reason. I am not sure why. It has been a weird 6 months or so with the emotions that I have had and how personal they are to me. It is like they are mine and mine alone and it has been hard for me to put them out there. But I am going to try this again….

Today, well yesterday since it is 1 AM, was John’s birthday. It seems that all the milestones that I have gone through alone make it seem like just yesterday that I lost John. In the last 7 months I have gone through Miles’ first birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s (not that hard), our anniversary (that was the hardest), my birthday and now John’s birthday. This next week we have Rita’s and Tommy’s birthdays, Mother’s Day and Blue and Gold for Cub Scouts. Rita had a dance recital and there have been several school and church events in the mix that John is really missed in attendance.

As hard as these special events are it is the everyday life that is the hardest. I am amazed at how much I miss John. I am amazed at how I wish I could get upset with him that he had left his clothes on the floor or that I felt that he was not doing enough work around the house. I REALLY know what it is like to do all the work now! I miss being able to talk to him…I miss seeing him…I miss his smile…I miss his eyes…I miss his touch…I miss his scent…I miss his support…I miss his laugh…I miss his unconditional love…I miss being happy…I MISS HIM! In 2 days it will be 7 months and I have been told that “time is your friend”. The pain is a little better, I don’t cry every night anymore, but it still hurts to the core. My body physically aches for him. It seems that I start to move forward or think I am handling things well and then the reality of the situation hits me and I am amazed at how much it brings be back to day one. Denial is a wonderful thing when trying to deal with everyday life, but it sure stops you from progressing on.

In dealing with life I am amazed at how much John was a part of my life. I realize at work when I am talking to patients that so many of my experiences or comments are based around John or something to do with John. That is not a bad thing but when they do not know that he died and they ask about my husband it makes it very awkward to explain that and also keeps it very raw. It has been weird because one day I did not wear my wedding ring and therefore people did not ask me about my husband. So after a few days of not wearing my wedding ring it made it a lot easier to not be asked about John by people that did not know me. The problem is that now when I am out I feel it looks like I am a divorced mother if 4 kids. That is where my pride really comes in. Another thing that I have to get over! I am having a “mother’s ring” made and I hope it will be ready by Mother’s day. It will have 5 stones. The 4 kids’ birthstones and a stone for the month John and I were married. I am excited to see it and start wearing it so I can still feel like I have John with me.
Well, it is late and I need to get some sleep or everyone at work will not be happy tomorrow when they have to deal with me!