Emotions, Emotions, Emotions.....

Emotions are a weird thing. These days I never know what I am going to feel. I have been doing pretty good, or so I thought! I think I have just been going through the motions and not dealing with things. "Not dealing with things" may not be the right words, but sometimes it still seems like I am living someone else's life or it is all a dream. Or that John is on a long business trip (not that he ever took those!) or at work. I also have not been crying much lately. You might think that is good, but I am not so sure. I think I just repress everything and don't let it out until it can't stay in any more. Does not sound very healthy huh? At times when I try and figure out what I am "feeling" or "thinking" I get sucked back to right after John died when I said I feel like my thoughts are like a pinball bouncing around in my head. No one really understood that and many people looked at me weird when I said it, but it was the best way I could describe it. I just don't know what to think at times. Sometimes I feel like I have just been stuck for the past 10 months.

I was just looking at the Caringbridge website and reading some of my entries. It was weird because I usually just wrote the entries and never read them. I just let my thoughts and feeling flow. I was reading the entry a few days before John died and the day it happened. When I read what I wrote I feel like I was so much stronger then. Like I was able to accept it more than I am now. That I was able to see Heavenly Father's will and accept it so much more than I am now. I keep going through the why, why, why? I keep wanting answers even though I apparently was able to accept the will before I am just stuck now. Part of me is thinking that maybe I was stronger before because of all the prayers that people were saying. Not that there aren't some now, but I know there were many more at the time. Maybe it was because I could see John's pain and wanted him to not hurt anymore. But I don't want the sick John, I want the healthy John. (Not that I would not take him back sick, but I think you know what I mean) But that is my will right? I could list all the things that I want to be different, but that is not my reality. Sometimes life just sucks!

I took Rita to a counseling session at the Children's Bereavement Center and while she was there I sat with one of the interns and talked. She was also LDS so that was nice. It is not necessary, but there is so much just in Mormon culture that it is nice not to have to explain it or explain my beliefs. In talking to here I cried a lot and my thoughts were all over the place. It was good and I think she made me realize something......I think I want too many shows like Ghost Whisperer. Weird I know, but let me explain. I think I get stuck in wanting to have that "Ghost Whisperer" moment when I feel John touch me, or hear his voice. That would not be too much to ask right? Apparently so. She asked me a question when I mentioned something about wanting to feel him. She said, "Would that be enough?" Hhhm....let me think....no it would not! It would never be enough. Short of me turning back time and changing everything so John would still be alive, it would never be enough! So I need to stop wanting that sign, because if I get it I will just want more. I would not be happy with it. And I can see that in the few things I have been given. I have have the spirit comfort me in a few quiet ways but apparently that was not enough! It should have been but I am still wanting things to be different. See, part of that denial that I was talking about. I thought I had accepted that John was gone, but part of me has not. So I carry on. I keep thinking in my mind "Would it be enough?" and believe it or not it has helped (a little).

While reading the Caringbridge blog I was reminded about a quote from Elder Nelson's book The Gateway We Call Death:

"The only way to take sorrow out of death, is to take love out of life."