Triggers

Emotional triggers. They are the weirdest things and have horrible timing.  Triggers can be set off by anything and when you least expect it.  IT could be a smell, a sound, a song, a phrase, a picture or a date! That is what it was for me today. I was was getting my hair cut and colored today no biggie right? Well everything was going well until it was time to set my next appointment.  I told them I wanted to come back in 6 weeks. (Unfortunately I have so much grey hair that 4 weeks would be better but too expensive!) That was a Wed and unfortunately my hairdresser was off.  I am also off Fridays so I asked for that day.  Then I look at the calender and there it is.....Oct 8! October 8th is the day when my life changed forever.  My mind starts reeling and trying to figure out...do I make the appointment for then or what? What am I going to do that day?  Am I going to be able to get out of bed? Wow, it is only 6 weeks away.  A year all ready!?! Thoughts coming all at once and having no answers.  I thought that was it but then I had to run an errand and I just was in a bad mood and a little short and of course a little weepy!  Trying not to think about it but at the same time living it. So I eventually got over the emotional response to the trigger but it is always in the back of my mind.

I started a new job yesterday and met some really nice people.  Of course there was small talk and telling of kids ages etc..  Then the inevitable question......"What does your husband do for a living?"(I do have 4 kids so most people would assume I have a husband right?)  And my answer...."Actually my husband passed away 10 months ago".  Then their look of shock, a little stammering and apologies.  And my...."No need to apologize" all the while thinking how can I make them feel more comfortable and change the topic.  All the time feeling like a pity case. YUCK! I am starting to hate meeting new people.  Having to go through the introductions.  I almost feel like I should have a written Bio that I give out or have someone read aloud that explains everything before I meet people.  Or maybe a sign or symbol I wear that everyone knows what it means.  Kind of like the scarlet letter.  Maybe a black W arm band with marks the show the years it has been.  That way it is all on the table and no worries that things might get awkward! Until that is acceptable I will keep keeping on and try to survive the next 6 weeks!