Turning the corner....

It is amazing for me how up and down the emotions can be. Mother’s Day was hard. Sooooo much harder than I even thought. It was by far the worst Mother’s Day I have ever had and I hope to ever have. The kids were not well behaved to say it nicely. From kicking, biting, fighting, hitting and being disrespectful and that was just in the morning before church! Church was hard because again all around families. I love the church but when you don’t fit the mold you can really feel out of place. I know that is also a challenge for other people in church who are single or divorced. I guess widowed has the least “stigma” if that makes sense, but alone in alone.
I went to my sister’s house that evening and had a good dinner, but still was just not happy and just felt sad and emotionally alone. Again, John has always been a part of me being a mother. We went home and I started to not feel well. My 10:30 PM I was in the bathroom (I will not elaborate) and at 3AM I was vomiting. I woke up on the morning and had to get the kids to school of course. I have not felt that bad is a long time. Then to be all alone was horrible!! There was just me…no John…no help. I did not think I could get through the day at work but I had a new employee starting that day and did not want her to be all on her own. I took Miles and Rita to school and got to work around 9AM barely keeping my stomach settled. Every time I drove by a Mexican restaurant that was opened for breakfast I had to turn off the A/C so I would not smell the breakfast tacos! That smell can be so good, but on a bad stomach it is not so good. I didn’t know how I am going to do it. I am near tears, well actually I did cry a little, that is common these days. How was I going to do it? How can I take care of 4 kids and feel so horrible? How can I work and feel so horrible? I miss John! He is not there to help, he is not there to take care of me, he is not there to run to the store and get me crackers, just me! Sad huh? Luckily for me my Mom was in Brownsville with Sandie helping her unpack. I call my mommy and ask if she can pick up the kids and of course the wonderful mother I have agrees. Do I expect anything else? I go to work and tie up some loose ends and get back home around 10:45 AM. I get right into bed and sleep all day. I wake up around 3 PM when my mom gets to my house and then get sick, not pretty, and get back into bed from 4PM to 9PM! My mom picked up the kids and did all the work. Very nice. It was such a help and I was amazed at how much I slept. I was up a few house and then slept all night. I felt so much better on Tuesday, about 90% and was able to get back to the grind.
So the last few days have been pretty good. I am not sure if it was because I needed all that sleep. Maybe I was getting sick for a while but did not recognize it? Maybe all the crying I did this weekend was needed and I needed to purge, so to speak. Whatever it is I will take it, at least for a few days, or however long it lasts. I am crazy busy at work and I am moving in about a month. Plus I have a weeklong vacation to California with the kids and a weekend trip to San Antonio scheduled in that time. I am so not ready for any of it. I try not to think about it and just enjoy feeling pretty good. Hopefully I can stay positive and get through this next month!

Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. A day that should be nice and relaxing and enjoying my family, my whole family. This will be the first time I celebrate being a mother and have no partner to share it with. John was there from the beginning. He was there when I found out I was pregnant with Tommy and there to help me tell my parents the news. He was there for the sonograms when we found out what we were having each time and there to check that all was well. He was there through all the heartburn and emotions. He was there to help satisfy my cravings for whatever I wanted. He was there when I went into labor and through the whole process. He was there when we shared those first moments with our new child and welcomed them into the world. He was there when we brought our children home and took care of their tiny little bodies. He was there when I struggled through nursing, especially the first time, and to encourage me to continue. He was there to change diapers, sometimes. He was there to give them a name and a blessing at church. He was there to give them blessings when they were ill. He was there to help me raise them and make decisions about how to raise them. He was there all along….and now he is not. The aching continues and this Mother’s day is just another day. Like any day without him. They do not seem special or exciting. One bleeds into another. I focus on just getting through the day, doing the basic and surviving, kind of. A day that I should be happy and feel appreciated focusing on all that I have (my kids) and all I can focus on is what I don’t have, John here with me and the kids. This really sucks! Oh how I wish things were different or I could deal with them better.

It has been a long time...

It has been a long time since I have posted anything on either of my blogs. I am not really sure why except that I have “writer’s block”. I have sat down at the computer and written things several times but I have not been able to post the entries for some reason. I am not sure why. It has been a weird 6 months or so with the emotions that I have had and how personal they are to me. It is like they are mine and mine alone and it has been hard for me to put them out there. But I am going to try this again….

Today, well yesterday since it is 1 AM, was John’s birthday. It seems that all the milestones that I have gone through alone make it seem like just yesterday that I lost John. In the last 7 months I have gone through Miles’ first birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s (not that hard), our anniversary (that was the hardest), my birthday and now John’s birthday. This next week we have Rita’s and Tommy’s birthdays, Mother’s Day and Blue and Gold for Cub Scouts. Rita had a dance recital and there have been several school and church events in the mix that John is really missed in attendance.

As hard as these special events are it is the everyday life that is the hardest. I am amazed at how much I miss John. I am amazed at how I wish I could get upset with him that he had left his clothes on the floor or that I felt that he was not doing enough work around the house. I REALLY know what it is like to do all the work now! I miss being able to talk to him…I miss seeing him…I miss his smile…I miss his eyes…I miss his touch…I miss his scent…I miss his support…I miss his laugh…I miss his unconditional love…I miss being happy…I MISS HIM! In 2 days it will be 7 months and I have been told that “time is your friend”. The pain is a little better, I don’t cry every night anymore, but it still hurts to the core. My body physically aches for him. It seems that I start to move forward or think I am handling things well and then the reality of the situation hits me and I am amazed at how much it brings be back to day one. Denial is a wonderful thing when trying to deal with everyday life, but it sure stops you from progressing on.

In dealing with life I am amazed at how much John was a part of my life. I realize at work when I am talking to patients that so many of my experiences or comments are based around John or something to do with John. That is not a bad thing but when they do not know that he died and they ask about my husband it makes it very awkward to explain that and also keeps it very raw. It has been weird because one day I did not wear my wedding ring and therefore people did not ask me about my husband. So after a few days of not wearing my wedding ring it made it a lot easier to not be asked about John by people that did not know me. The problem is that now when I am out I feel it looks like I am a divorced mother if 4 kids. That is where my pride really comes in. Another thing that I have to get over! I am having a “mother’s ring” made and I hope it will be ready by Mother’s day. It will have 5 stones. The 4 kids’ birthstones and a stone for the month John and I were married. I am excited to see it and start wearing it so I can still feel like I have John with me.
Well, it is late and I need to get some sleep or everyone at work will not be happy tomorrow when they have to deal with me!