What a difference a year makes!

A year is 12 months or 365 days or 8,760 hours or 525,600 minutes or31,536,000 seconds.  No matter hour you slice it, it is a long time and there are timess that this year has seemed like so much longer.  Then there are those days that I can't believe it has been a year.

I survived all the first without John. The first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, everyone had another birthday, and my first wedding anniversary (by far the hardest) without him.  There are so many firsts that have been survived and when I think of that I have mixed feelings.  Part of me is sad.  Part of me is angry.  But mostly I am lonely...lonely for John.....missing John.  The idea that I can survive without him is so bittersweet.  I am glad that the kids and I have made it this far and have not lost it all.  It is comforting to know we can do it.  But mainly I am sad that we all got a year older, except for him and that he missed all those milestones.  I am sad that he has not been there to spend time with the kids, teach the kids, talk to us, hug us, laugh with us, in general, make memories.

I have worried about this year mark for the last 6 weeks.  I have cried and cried and worried what this day will bring.  It may be a good thing that I have had such a hard time these last few weeks because hopefully I can be strong for the kids and mark this day and honor John on this date.  I don't know what this day will bring, but I hope that I can stay strong and make John proud.