Ready to be happy again....

Have you ever looked at a picture and remembered the day and thought....I was really happy then. Then thought....I sure wish I could be really happy now. I think I have done the first a lot but usually not the second. I am usually (in my life) very happy, but these days I don't think I can say that. Sure I have happy moments. There are times when I laugh, there are moments with my kids that I enjoy, but really being happy or maybe feeling joy has been lacking for quite awhile. Probably about a year when John got really sick. (FYI the year mark in less than 2 months! :(. ) I look at the picture that the kids and I took in May 2009 (see picture on Jacqui's Bunch blog) and look at my expression and say, "I sure was happy." Yes, John was sick and there were definitely trials, but I had my family and I really really thought he was going to be healed.

I remember that day. We were in Harlingen and I decided to get a picture of me and the kids taken for John for Father's Day. The plan was for him to have them to put on his desk when he got better. I had wanted it to be a surprise and my parents were visiting so my mom was going to go with me and the kids to help. I think John was trying to figure out why we were getting dressed up and going to McAllen, so I ended up telling him. He decided to go with us. I tried to get him to be in the pictures but he was not feeling well. Oh how I regret that! Now, I am sure there were issues that day but I really only remember the good. We got the pictures taken and the kids did well for the most part. There were times Miles did not cooperate but he was only 6 months old, plus I had him take some pictures by himself for his 6 month pictures. I remember going to McDonald's afterward and hanging out with the kids. I remember John sitting in the back of the van with the kids and having tickling wars. That was nice because he had been feeling so bad he was not always able to joke around. I was happy. It was a good day.

Then I remember something else that kind of haunts me at times. I am not sure if haunts is the right word but that is the best way I can describe it. A few days later I went to get picture frames. Remember I was planning on John going back to work, so I had to get frames for his desk. I got all the pictures ready and we framed a large 10x13 picture of me and the kids. I hung it on the wall and had a weird feeling. There was my family without John. Me and the kids alone. It did not feel right but at the same time it felt real. So, I often look at that picture and long to feel that way again. But I think what I am really longing for is for one more person to be in that picture. For John to be there represented as the head of our family. For John to be here leading our family.

So, I go on with life laughing and enjoying the good times as they come, but still longing to be happy. Part of me is not sure if it is possible but part of me knows it is possible. I just am not sure how or how long. I often hear the same Sunday School answers about prayer and turning to Heavenly Father. And I don't want to minimize those at all, I do believe them. But I also feel that those things are easy answers to say, but that it is not an easy fix. It does not happen overnight. It apparently does not happen over 10 months either. So, I keep doing what I do and hope and pray that I can get through this challenge and still be able to be the happy person I once was.