Turning the corner....

It is amazing for me how up and down the emotions can be. Mother’s Day was hard. Sooooo much harder than I even thought. It was by far the worst Mother’s Day I have ever had and I hope to ever have. The kids were not well behaved to say it nicely. From kicking, biting, fighting, hitting and being disrespectful and that was just in the morning before church! Church was hard because again all around families. I love the church but when you don’t fit the mold you can really feel out of place. I know that is also a challenge for other people in church who are single or divorced. I guess widowed has the least “stigma” if that makes sense, but alone in alone.
I went to my sister’s house that evening and had a good dinner, but still was just not happy and just felt sad and emotionally alone. Again, John has always been a part of me being a mother. We went home and I started to not feel well. My 10:30 PM I was in the bathroom (I will not elaborate) and at 3AM I was vomiting. I woke up on the morning and had to get the kids to school of course. I have not felt that bad is a long time. Then to be all alone was horrible!! There was just me…no John…no help. I did not think I could get through the day at work but I had a new employee starting that day and did not want her to be all on her own. I took Miles and Rita to school and got to work around 9AM barely keeping my stomach settled. Every time I drove by a Mexican restaurant that was opened for breakfast I had to turn off the A/C so I would not smell the breakfast tacos! That smell can be so good, but on a bad stomach it is not so good. I didn’t know how I am going to do it. I am near tears, well actually I did cry a little, that is common these days. How was I going to do it? How can I take care of 4 kids and feel so horrible? How can I work and feel so horrible? I miss John! He is not there to help, he is not there to take care of me, he is not there to run to the store and get me crackers, just me! Sad huh? Luckily for me my Mom was in Brownsville with Sandie helping her unpack. I call my mommy and ask if she can pick up the kids and of course the wonderful mother I have agrees. Do I expect anything else? I go to work and tie up some loose ends and get back home around 10:45 AM. I get right into bed and sleep all day. I wake up around 3 PM when my mom gets to my house and then get sick, not pretty, and get back into bed from 4PM to 9PM! My mom picked up the kids and did all the work. Very nice. It was such a help and I was amazed at how much I slept. I was up a few house and then slept all night. I felt so much better on Tuesday, about 90% and was able to get back to the grind.
So the last few days have been pretty good. I am not sure if it was because I needed all that sleep. Maybe I was getting sick for a while but did not recognize it? Maybe all the crying I did this weekend was needed and I needed to purge, so to speak. Whatever it is I will take it, at least for a few days, or however long it lasts. I am crazy busy at work and I am moving in about a month. Plus I have a weeklong vacation to California with the kids and a weekend trip to San Antonio scheduled in that time. I am so not ready for any of it. I try not to think about it and just enjoy feeling pretty good. Hopefully I can stay positive and get through this next month!