Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. A day that should be nice and relaxing and enjoying my family, my whole family. This will be the first time I celebrate being a mother and have no partner to share it with. John was there from the beginning. He was there when I found out I was pregnant with Tommy and there to help me tell my parents the news. He was there for the sonograms when we found out what we were having each time and there to check that all was well. He was there through all the heartburn and emotions. He was there to help satisfy my cravings for whatever I wanted. He was there when I went into labor and through the whole process. He was there when we shared those first moments with our new child and welcomed them into the world. He was there when we brought our children home and took care of their tiny little bodies. He was there when I struggled through nursing, especially the first time, and to encourage me to continue. He was there to change diapers, sometimes. He was there to give them a name and a blessing at church. He was there to give them blessings when they were ill. He was there to help me raise them and make decisions about how to raise them. He was there all along….and now he is not. The aching continues and this Mother’s day is just another day. Like any day without him. They do not seem special or exciting. One bleeds into another. I focus on just getting through the day, doing the basic and surviving, kind of. A day that I should be happy and feel appreciated focusing on all that I have (my kids) and all I can focus on is what I don’t have, John here with me and the kids. This really sucks! Oh how I wish things were different or I could deal with them better.