Big decisons...I hate making them alone

OK, OK, I know that through prayer and personal revelation Heavenly Father can help me make the decisions so I am not alone understand that, but you know what I mean. I hate making adult decisions at time anyways, but not having John here to talk about it, bounce ideas off of, and get confirmation that we BOTH got the same answer from Heavenly Father stinks!

I have the house in Harlingen for sale and I got an offer on it. Amazing since it has only been on the market for 3 weeks and because I have not gotten the painting done that i thought it needed. Well, it is am offer but it is lower than I wanted. Notice I said wanted not needed! Well, I thought I had priced the house lower than other comparable ones in the area. I knew I would probably have to give a little. No one like to offer asking price, we all want to get a deal! I am grateful for the offer and I have decided to accept it, but I guess with not having John to talk to about it, I just feel a little unsure. Everyone is telling me to take the offer of course, but I just long to talk to John about it. I still remember when we decided to buy the house. When I was packing to move to San Antonio, I came across a list if pros/cons about the house in Harlingen that John and I made when trying to decide if to buy it. It brought back those memories of house hunting and all the plans we had for YEARS and YEARS in that house. Now, 2 1/2 years later John is gone, and I am selling it. It is just hard. I feel a little ungrateful with having a hard time making the decision, because I know it is a blessing to get an viable offer so soon. I have other family members and friends unable to sell their houses, so why am I complaining. I think part of it is about control. I have not been able to control things in my life with John's illness and everything to follow, that I just wish I could plan/ control everything the way I want. There goes that word again....want not need!

So one important adult decision mad by myself down....one million more to go (in a lifetime I would guess?). And here is to focusing on our needs and not our wants!

Trying to learn a few things

So, I started taking the kids to the Children's Bereavement Center here in San Antonio last week. We came in on the tail end of the summer group so the older kids (Tommy and Sheridan) got to attend 2 groups and Rita 1. I am really excited to have them meet some kids that have gone through some similar experiences. The place is amazing and has these different rooms with different toys for different types if play. They do "Play therapy" there and through playing they can help see what the kids need and direct conversations. It is a brand new facility and I am very grateful that it is here. While the kids are in their group the parents/adults meet in a group and talk about various issues. Mainly issues with the kids and how to help the kids move through the grieving process. There are people from various circumstances and types of death and in the fall they split us up more by type of death (suicide, lingering, sudden) but in the summer we are all together. The groups are of course confidential but I have had a few thoughts come from it and some things that people have shared.

One of the thoughts that I have been thinking for awhile is that there is no normal in grieving. What is right for one person may not be right for the other, and we should never judge how someone grieves. There is no timeline that we need to meet and be "done" with the grieving. I especially feel pressure (possibly just put on my myself) that since I have the Gospel in my life and have an understanding of life after death that I should be able to accept this better, or deal with it better. I for sure can not imagine dealing with this without my faith, but I have to keep reminding myself that I am human and with that comes a lot or mistakes. I don't grieve because I think John is gone or ceases to exist. I know his spirit is alive. I grieve because I am separated from him, I miss his physical presense. I grieve that I have 4 kids to raise by myself and the plans I have for my life have changed drastically I found a card that I have to John just before we were married and among other things it says..."I can't imagine my life without you." That is still true, I can't. It is amazing how our minds are and that I know he is gone, but at times it just seems like he is out of town, like he is still here. It has been 9 months and part of me still thinks he is going to come home, but mt head knows differently. It is amazing how the heart and the head can think totally different things!

One of the other thoughts is how much worse it could be. I think sometimes we get into the self pity mode and just feel sorry for ourselves. I have gotten very good at that at times. I can go on in my mind how unfair this is and all the reasons John should be alive. But it could be worse! There are kids that are dealing with suicide of a parent, how horrible that would be for a small child to have to accept. There are kids that have lost both parents. Hopefully that will not happen until I am at least 85 or older! There are people that never knew their father or their fathers left them and did not want to be a part of their lives. It is so easy to focus in the negative, sooooo easy. The challenge is to put into perspective how "lucky" we really are. Granted this does not make it easy when I am having to deal with the 4 kids, the kids are fighting, or the kids have special events. And it is tiring that I am the one that has to always try and focus the kids on the positive when I am not feeling very positive. But I am going to do my best to try because in the grand scheme of things we really are lucky. Let me show you how lucky we are:

• We are lucky to have an eternal family.
• We are lucky that John loved/loves us.
• We are lucky that we have 4 beautiful children and a beautiful family.
• We are lucky that we had a husband/father that wanted to fight as hard as he could to fight cancer and stay here with us on this earth.
• We are lucky that John was able to be here for the time that he had on earth.
• We are lucky that we have John watching out for us and helping us from the other side of the veil.
• We are lucky that I can support the family and that John and I planned for the unexpected.
• We are lucky that we have a Heavenly Father that loves us so much that he gave us a savior, Jesus Christ.
• We are lucky that Jesus (who had a father on the other side of the veil FYI!) suffered for us and that he can take away our pain if we can only turn things over to him (I am still working hard on this).
• We are lucky that we have such an AMAZING FAMILY that loves us and supports us in everything.

Boy, I sure am a lucky person! I just have to keep focusing on that and keep the negative away!

San Antonio or Bust

Well, I made the move back to San Antonio and it has been a little more than a month. I have not sold the house in Harlingen yet so there are still ties there. Things have been going well but there have been some unexpected emotions. There are things that I thought I had dealt with but then they come up to the surface seems like out of nowhere. I think part of it was the fact that I was coming home, but things of course are not the same. When we moved to Harlingen I remember telling John that the house just did not feel like it was ours. Of course after awhile it became our home. I had been so sad to leave our home in San Antonio where we had started our family and brought 3 children home from the hospital. When I left Harlingen and came back to San Antonio I did not have those feelings. It felt like we belonged in the house from day one, and I had no tears leaving the house in Harlingen. I don't know if it was because we were in Harlingen for such a short time or if we just belong here in San Antonio.

As much as the house feels like home it still feels empty without John. It is very evident that he is not here. I packed up his clothes in boxes, just like I did everyone else's, but I will not be unpacking his clothes like I have everyone else's. That makes me sad. It is also more evident that John is gone when I have to go to Home Depot or Lowe's for something and I have to figure it all out by myself. Not that John was handy, but he would at least take on that duty and try and figure it out. I had to go to The Home Depot to get a different power cord for my dryer and when that man was telling me how to change it out and all that I needed to be careful of I had to do my best to not start crying. I started to tear up and I am sure the man was thinking I was crazy, but I was able to hold my composure until I go to the car! Again, emotions that I was not expecting come up when I don't expect it.

But overall things are good. Lucking more ups than downs, and when I have the downs since I am not working I can stay in bed and sleep!