A Hard Week

This week was really hard for me. I am not sure if it is because Christmas is next week and besides the stress of Christmas I am dealing with losing John. It just seems to be getting harder not easier. I truly understand the word heartache. My heart truly aches. I have found an Facebook group of LDS widows and widowers. There are a lot of young ones. It has been nice to read some posts and see that other people are going thru the same thing. It would be nice if they were not all in Utah! It is nice to actually read the posts that people tell about having a hard time rather that the ones that give their testimony and talk about how this was Heavenly Father's plan for them and that we chose this trial before we came. Not that I don't have a testimony of the Gospel and realize that John is doing important work, but that doesn't help me get the grocery shopping done, get the kids to school, get my job done, get the laundry done and house cleaned and everything else I have to do. It also does not give me my best friend to talk to help me get thru this time. I think sometimes why it is so hard is that John was my best friend. That was a good thing, but now that he is gone I don't have my confidant. The one that I can tell everything to and won't judge. I miss talking to him before we fell asleep, although he hated that because it got his mind thinking and he could not sleep! I have been told by people that they can feel their loved ones with them. I wish I could feel John. I talk to him all the time and there have been a few times I have felt his protection, but again that was before. Maybe I have hardened my heart? I do feel disconnected from Heavenly Father and don't feel that I can interpret or feel answers to my prayers right now. I try but it feels like there is a ping pong ball in my head ricocheting around. Too may thoughts, too may decisions to make. I wish I could quiet the thoughts. It almost sounds like I am describing voices in my head huh? Don't worry I am not schizophrenic, at least the voices tell me I'm not! Just kidding!! I think that is enough self analyzing for one night! Goodnight all.

A site of my own

I keep having problems of what to blog on Jacqui's bunch. I want it to be more about the kids and the funny or happy times. But I find that sometimes life is not like that for me right now. I miss Caring Bridge where I could get my feelings out and feel a sense of relief. So I thought I would create another site that I could just be me. Whether it is venting, laughing or crying about events in my life, hopefully it can be an outlet for me and a way for me to share that part of my life with friends and family. So I start the blog with this introduction as I sit here in my messy house. I am avoiding doing the dishes, sweeping the floor, folding the laundry, picking up the clothes off the floor and getting ready for tomorrow. There is a part of me that wishes if I just put it off long enough then someone else will come and do it. But then that doesn't happen and I get upset that I let my house get so messy! What a crazy cycle. There are so many ways to procrastinate such as writing on my blog! I guess I should stop and at least make sure we have clean clothes for the morning and get to bed before 1AM!